Thursday, March 8, 2012

Juicing Diaries

Noon Saturday:  Woke up realizing that day marked in my calendar two months ago has finally arrived.  Just to make sure someone didn't mess up in the books I'll call in to make sure.  Yes, I was scheduled for pick up.  I can come in at any time today before close.  Shoot.
Noon-30 Saturday:  Pick up three day juice cleanse at Peeled.  The pre-conceived notion of three days x three meals = nine juice is quickly replaced with a logistical pickle.  A three day cleanse x six juices a day x 1 box for it all x 0 car = One anguishing CTA ride back to the apartment.  Good thing I don't have to see the darn things until the next day.
Roughly 9:00 A.M Sunday:  Do I sleep for a couple more hours?  If I do, maybe I can just squeeze all the juices into the end of the day.
Around 9:15 A.M. Sunday:  Of course I can't sleep any longer.  Well, when I made the commitment two months ago it was because I knew I could surpass all those who couldn't complete it.  Some didn't even last a day.  I can do this.  It's in the bag.  Green Juice #1, you're up.
Sometime close to 6:00 P.M. Sunday:  Really, what's so important to have in a bag?  Plenty of Kate Spade purses look absolutely gorgeous gracing my shoulders and arms and not once has anyone cared to ask what's in it.
Fading into the 10:00 P.M. hour Sunday:  Philosophy is the subject of the day, and there has been so much to ponder.  One thought sticks out more than any other:  life is too short not to enjoy meals.  If God forbid anything were to happen to me tomorrow, would I really want to go down knowing my last meal was "Cashew milk" or worse yet, "Beet Juice?"  I say this through tears to my best friend Lauren, who had the unfortunate fate of phoning in my darkest hour.  Recently intrigued by cleanses she pushes for at least another a day out of me.  "You don't know what it's like!  You would never be able to do this!" I yell.  Clearly amused by my pain, I have to end the conversation with her at "we'll see what tomorrow morning brings."  
Sunday-Monday Late Night Hours:  A bad night of sleep leads me to blame the cleanse for illness, fatigue, and anxiety.  Clinically speaking, I should not proceed with the cleanse.
6:30 A.M. Sharp Monday:  Hm, I feel pretty good actually.  I'm surprisingly not that hungry.  It's still early though.  I may still want to quit.
Just About 7:50 A.M. Monday:  Juice bag is packed for work.  You know what?  I can do this!
The Morning-Afternoon Hours Monday:  I make the mistake of broadcasting my cleansing to Gchat friends.  Again I find that people do not understand.  Rather than try to talk me out of my bad decision, my so-called "friends" are saying that I can't stop now and I only have halfway to go.  Meal-to-meal becomes my new mantra.
Monday evening:  Terrified of working out on the cleanse, I try to bide my time doing...well, anything away from the kitchen and refrigerator.  Time sure goes by slow when you can't eat it away.
All Too Early Tuesday Morning:  Well, I'm this far.  I can't remember if I thought I'd get here or not.  Hell, I'll pack the juice bag for work again.  Meal-to-meal, right?
The Walk to Work Tuesday Morning:  If the bag snaps and breaks while walking over the bridge, the juices would inevitably roll off the bridge and into the river.  In that event there would be no possible way I could continue with the cleanse. 
...Well, I'm over the bridge so that theory has come and gone.
Freaking Tuesday Morning:  A strange and random mass shipment of Dunkaroos has arrived in the office.  So I have to quit, right?  Dunkaroos only come into tangible existence once every 13 years!
...I can't peel the damn wrapper back.  I can't peel it back!
...I suppose they call them non-perishables for a reason.  I'll tuck it away for tomorrow.
Seriously, Tuesday Afternoon:  This is crazy.  I just want lunch.  I want to go back to leading a normal life.  It's over, I'm done.
...Wait, am I even hungry?  What would real food taste like?  
...Fine, but this Green Juice is the last.
Dear God it's Tuesday Night:  I did it??  I did it!  I just drank the last of the juices!  I completed the cleanse!  Now seriously, I need one cracker or I might die.  I had some calories left over from the last three only half-drank bottles.  Okay, four crackers.  Well there's five left.  Five crackers.  Then I'm going to bed.  I did it!!
Oh Hello Wednesday Morning:  My step is lighter, my breath is deeper, gosh I feel great!  I get to eat food again, life is good!  Bagels and coffee for breakfast this morning, things are looking up!
...Wait, I only want a half of this bagel and half of my coffee?
Mid-Morning Wednesday:  Did not forget about you, Dunkaroos.  Consumed in full in just two minutes flat.  Still wonderfully delicious!
Lunch time Wednesday:  I owe myself Chipotle.  Vegetarian bowl, brown rice, hold the sour cream and guacamole.
...Is this my regular order?
Wednesday evening:  On the phone with another of my best friends, Margaret, we talk cleanses.  Somewhere towards the end of the conversation I state "yes, I want to do a five day next.  I did three, so five would be the next challenge."

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